It probably sounds stupid but i’ve only had a certain amount of emotions over the past year or two and the majority are negative. Because of this i’ve come to realize that i crave sadness.

I draw it to myself. I search for it because it’s one of the only emotions i’ve known for so long if i felt anything else it would be uncomfortable? Too much of a shock? I don’t really know. I’ve become so accustomed to being sad that i don’t know how to be any different.

It’s like i have to feel more sad than anyone else i know to be able to feel satisfied. Like a competition. No-one else has to know my emotions or stories or feelings, i just have to convince myself that my life is worse than theirs. It makes me feel like i’ve accomplished something but it also just makes me feel like i’m a horrible human being for wanting to be in a worse state than my friends even though i know how much they’re hurting because of their own problems.

I don’t feel comfortable being happy, I don’t even like the thought of being happy because it’s unfamiliar ground to me now and i want to make myself feel sad again just so i can be in my place of security.

I don’t know what i’m supposed to do.

Treat other hearts the way you want yours to be treated.

For the past few months I have been doing school work and homework and I have been doing house work and I have been trying to balance a steady relationship. And I hate to admit it but I am just extremely overwhelmed. I feel like I am drowning in my life. The homework, no matter how little, seems impossible to get done on time. I’m falling behind on everything. I can’t finish my homework. I can’t please my boyfriend. I can’t clean up enough. I can’t do anything right. Everything I say is wrong. I’m just drowning and I don’t know what to do. I have no excuses when people ask me what’s wrong. I feel like i’m failing everyone.

long story short… i’m 20 yrs old and last year i got my heart broken by a boy… it completely ruined my life. ended up with a full blown drug addiction and started prostituting myself w/ guys over double my age to get drug money. i feel so disgusting. i finally got free from all of that and am in recovery now, but now i feel like i will never find a guy who will love me despite what i’ve done. it sucks. 

I feel like my long four year+ relationship will not last—and i won’t be the one to leave. Sometimes i see it on his face that he yearns for more in life. I’m not quite sure if it’s because he’s having a hard time finding a full-time job, or if it’s me that doesn’t ease his life.

It’s at the point where i don’t need him in my life. I love him unconditionally so much, i want him in my life. I wan to share everything with him, but i feel like he’s holding back from me so much.

i’m struggling to breathe. suffocating on life itself. choking myself on failed dreams, meaningless aspirations, hurtful relationships, and vain attempts at greatness. my paintings are missing the final strokes, and my poems are left hanging on a comma. i can’t make sense of it anymore. i am as uninspired as i will ever be and not just artistically. i am living an uninspired life without passion or direction. where is my impact or change? where is the excellence i know i’m made for? do i struggle through it all to prove myself or let what is left flicker out like a forgotten melted-down candle?

why do girls always think, dream, talk about getting married? do guys do that too? it seems crazy and irrational to think that every single one of us before we die will find their “soul mate” and fall madly in love and have the best of lives, growing old together, having children, grandchildren, etc… but we all dream that up. it’s becoming a frustrating theme, i pray to god and i feel like i am ready, but it isn’t happening. so am i really not ready? what does it mean to be ready? how are you ever supposed to find the right one? my heart desires nothing more than to have a husband who loves the lord and children that are bright and full of joy, laughter, and great times, all along side my best of friends. too much to ask for? i didn’t think so… until now

My best friend is in a new relationship. It’s still at that stage where they’re crazy, googley-eyed over one another. And where she needs constant input from me. “He just sent me an email and signed it ‘with love.’ OMG what does that mean?!”

Because I love her; because she’s my best friend; I give her my advice, my opinions, draw on my experiences and listen to her babble about him almost nonstop. 

But I can’t tell her it breaks my heart to hear it. I’m single. I have been for what feels like forever. I’ve dated more people in the past than she has (which she’s always fond of reminding me of). (Ugh, that sentence structure!) But none of them were worth remembering. They were guys I settled for because I was lonely and didn’t want to be that unfortunate Christian girl who never marries and just hosts after-VBS parties at her house to get some sort of connection with the children she never had. 

The few times I’ve briefly mentioned this to people I know: that I’m lonely and just desperately want to meet that partner that will stand beside me and do the radical, world-changing work God has called us to; they respond the same way. “Well, Paul was single, so God just intends for some people to be single.” 

You know what, ass…nevermind. I don’t think it’s very ladylike to cuss, so I’ll keep my mouth shut. But know that I’m thinking pretty hateful things. 

So I can’t tell my best friend (who is also my roommate) that every night as she lays in her room, talking to her new love for hours and hours; I’m in my room crying myself to sleep because I don’t think that will ever be me. And that makes the loneliness worse.

When I think about finding a wife, I get nervous that I will fall in love with a Christian woman who will think sex is dirty, and internally hold my past against me. 

I literally can’t make my fingers type any words. I’ve never been able to write or say or even think precisely what I wanted to, and just now, given the opportunity, I can’t make my fingers move. 

It’s been a long time coming, this complete surrender to rejection. In line for a concert this weekend, I stood directly behind the one man I’ve ever loved and got to get a good solid look at the back of his head for a good solid hour. If fear and disappointment and heartbreak could take human form, that little man would be IT. Four years later, I’m still riding that wave of rejection and God, it seems as if you too, at any moment, could snatch the carpet out from under me and leave me in my empty-room life. 

I yearn to be touched. Ever since that pivotal day when he told me he just couldn’t do it anymore and held my hand for the last time, I’ve yearned for it, craved it: sick with longing for something I couldn’t find. They say that hope deferred makes the heart sick, and at this point - I can’t remember “well”. I’m always wriggling out of people’s embraces because I’m afraid of wanting just their closeness just too much. I’ve internalized this need - for years now, everyday - and have since developed this disgusting, masochistic self-dependence that I can’t seem to break. 

The deep darkness is gone - for you, Spirit, are here, and in your rich, thick, tangible presence the demons cannot stay. But my heart is an empty room, with a locked door, and I’m forever searching for a key to that door that I threw away long ago. How can I ever open it to anyone if I can’t find that motherfucking key? 

If I don’t let you hug me, don’t be surprised.